No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
