I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
