the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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