i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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