I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
