ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
