she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
