last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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