In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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