dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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