I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
