ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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