Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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