Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
