A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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