I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
