also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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