Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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