and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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