Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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