I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
