Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
