I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
