I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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