I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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