I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
