Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
