i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
