So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
