Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
