Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
