I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
