Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
