Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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