If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
When are your genitals available?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
