everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So many bounce houses so little time
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
