Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
