it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
