i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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