It's like God shit irony all over that family
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
