Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
