your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
