I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
