Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
