I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
