I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
