Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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