I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
