take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
