You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
