Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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