maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
