Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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